Look, it's pretty embarrassing to admit that you vape these days. I've never been a cigarette kind of girl, even though it lowkey looks really cool. But I started vaping on and off a few years ago when it was still a fairly new concept, and my boyfriend at the time was really into vaping, and it's only natural for me to start using his vape and then eventually getting my own, but it was a very social thing, I mean, especially during those days when we went out a lot, and you're around people smoking and drinking, it's a natural habit to get into.
I've also sort of felt a bit ashamed of this habit, because I knew it wasn't that good for me, and I hated myself for smoking it, and I've taken multiple breaks over the years, even giving it up for more than a year, but then life sort of gets to you, and you slip into old habits as a way to cope, and sometimes it's just because you find the habit comforting (who knows), I still hate myself for smoking a vape, and it's really been affecting me mentally, because it feels good in the moment, you are chasing that dragon of feeling good, but then it goes away, and you're basically chasing a feeling that never arrives, and also it's expensive, it's really bad for your health, and I think what shifted for me lately, different than times before, is that one night, I was chilling on the couch, taking a drag of the vape, and my chest started to pull tight...and it started to hurt and I started freaking out, and it was terrible. I realized that even though it's such a hard habit to let go of, and sometimes when you feel alone, or you feel like you need some comfort, it feels good to go and buy a vape, and smoke it.
However for me, it scared me at how my chest felt that night, and how bad it is for my body and overall health, and how I need to at least try to kick this habit for good, and really commit. So, it's day 28, I basically just distracted my mind from it by:
- Working out this morning.
- Laying in bed and reading.
- Listening to loud music.
- Just reminding myself of the person I want to be without this habit.
One thing I wasn't expecting to help as much as it did was actually giving up caffeine.
It sounds unrelated, but for me, it wasn't.
When I was drinking coffee every morning, my nervous system constantly felt switched on. I was wired, overstimulated, and always looking for something to take the edge off. And vaping became that thing. It wasn't really about nicotine, it was about chasing relief.
Since cutting out caffeine, I've noticed I don't crave a vape nearly as much. My nervous system feels calmer, my anxiety feels quieter, and I'm not constantly looking for something to regulate me. It's made me realize that sometimes we think we're addicted to one habit, when really we're trying to soothe something deeper.
I'm not writing this because I've "made it" or because I think I'll never be tempted again. Recovery from any habit is rarely a straight line, and I'm sure there will be moments where it feels harder than others.
But for the first time, I'm not quitting because I feel guilty.
I'm quitting because I genuinely want to take care of myself.
And I think that's a much stronger reason to keep going.
Here's to day 28… and hopefully day 29, day 30, and many more after that.
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