I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional regulation lately.

Mostly because I’ve realised that being emotionally regulated doesn’t mean being the person who never gets upset.

And thank God for that.

Because sometimes someone sends a slightly passive-aggressive email, your plans get cancelled, you’re running late, you’ve barely eaten, and suddenly you’re one minor inconvenience away from becoming a completely different person.

We’ve all been there.

But something I’ve started paying more attention to is the difference between feeling an emotion and letting that emotion make all my decisions.

Because those are two very different things.

You can be angry without sending the paragraph.

You can feel anxious without immediately assuming something terrible is going to happen.

You can feel disappointed without deciding your entire life is falling apart.

And you can have a bad morning without turning it into a bad day.

That’s essentially what emotional regulation is about.

Not suppressing your feelings.

Not pretending you’re unbothered.

And definitely not becoming one of those people who responds to every inconvenience with “I’m choosing peace” while internally losing their mind.

It’s about learning how to experience emotions, understand what’s happening and respond in ways that don’t make everything worse.

Which, personally, feels like a pretty useful life skill.

Here are four realistic ways I’m learning to do that.

1. Stop Responding While You’re Still in the Feeling

This one has probably saved me from sending several messages that would’ve required a follow-up apology.

When something upsets us, there’s often this immediate urge to do something about it.

Reply.

Explain.

Defend ourselves.

Make a decision.

Send the paragraph.

And then maybe send another paragraph because apparently the first one wasn’t quite enough.

But when we’re emotionally activated, our attention can narrow around whatever feels threatening, unfair or upsetting.

Which means the response that feels completely justified in the moment might not be the response we’d choose an hour later.

So I’ve started trying something very simple:

Don’t make a permanent decision during a temporary emotional spike.

If an email annoys me, I don’t have to reply immediately.

If a conversation upsets me, I can take a minute.

If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I don’t need to solve my entire life before lunch.

Sometimes I’ll write the message in my notes and leave it there.

Sometimes I’ll go for a walk.

Sometimes I’ll literally just put my phone in another room.

The important part is giving myself enough space to respond rather than react.

And no, this doesn’t mean ignoring difficult conversations or avoiding conflict.

It means having them when I’m actually capable of communicating what I mean.

A little rule I’m trying to live by: Just because something deserves a response doesn’t mean it deserves an immediate one.

2. Check Your Body Before You Question Your Entire Life

I genuinely think we underestimate how much our physical state influences our emotional state.

Sometimes I’m convinced I’m having an existential crisis.

And then I realise I’ve had an iced matcha, approximately four bites of food and six hours of sleep.

Interesting.

Our brains and bodies are constantly communicating.

Poor sleep can make emotional responses more intense and reduce our ability to manage frustration.

Hunger can affect mood, especially when it comes with low energy or feeling physically uncomfortable.

And stress can show up physically through muscle tension, a racing heart, shallow breathing or restlessness.

So before I start analysing every thought I’m having, I’m learning to ask myself:

Have I eaten properly?

Did I sleep enough?

Have I been sitting inside all day?

Am I overstimulated?

Do I need a break?

This doesn’t mean every difficult emotion can be solved with a sandwich.

Sometimes something genuinely upsetting has happened, and you need to deal with it.

But taking care of your basic physical needs can make those emotions easier to navigate.

Eat an actual meal.

Drink some water.

Go outside.

Move your body.

Get some sleep.

Sometimes you don’t need to figure everything out. You need dinner.

3. Name the Feeling Instead of Becoming the Feeling

I’ve noticed that when I’m overwhelmed, my thoughts can become very dramatic, very quickly.

Everything is going wrong.

I can’t deal with this.

Why does this always happen to me?

And suddenly one frustrating situation has turned into a full review of every questionable decision I’ve made since 2018.

Something I’ve found helpful is getting more specific about what I’m actually feeling.

Instead of:

“I’m stressed.”

Maybe it’s:

“I’m disappointed because something didn’t work out.”

“I’m anxious because I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not being heard.”

“I’m overwhelmed because I’ve taken on too much.”

“I’m hurt because something mattered to me.”

Psychologists sometimes call this affect labelling — putting feelings into words.

Research suggests that naming emotions can help change how we process emotional experiences, although it’s not a guaranteed way to make distress disappear.

And I think the practical benefit is that it gives you something more useful to work with.

Because “everything is terrible” is a pretty difficult problem to solve.

But “I’m overwhelmed because I have too much on my plate”?

That gives you somewhere to start.

Maybe you need to cancel something.

Ask for help.

Have a conversation.

Adjust an expectation.

Or simply acknowledge that you’re disappointed without trying to immediately make yourself feel better.

You don’t always have to fix the feeling. Sometimes understanding it is enough for now.

4. Have a Reset That Doesn’t Involve Your Phone

This is something I’m becoming increasingly aware of.

When we’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s so easy to reach for stimulation.

Scroll Instagram.

Watch TikTok.

Check messages.

Open another app.

Put something on in the background.

Basically, do absolutely anything other than sit with the feeling.

And listen, distraction isn’t always bad.

Sometimes watching a funny video after a difficult day is exactly what you need.

But if scrolling becomes the only way we deal with uncomfortable emotions, we don’t always give ourselves the opportunity to understand what’s happening.

So I’ve been trying to create a few little resets that actually help me feel more settled.

For me, that might be going for a walk.

Getting outside.

Taking a shower.

Doing a barre class.

Listening to music.

Going for an ocean swim.

Or simply sitting somewhere quiet without needing to fill every second.

Slow, comfortable breathing can also help reduce physical arousal for some people. Even a minute or two of breathing gently, without forcing huge breaths, can be a useful place to start.

The goal isn’t to magically switch off an emotion.

It’s to give yourself enough space to feel it without immediately acting on it.

And I think that’s an important distinction.

Regulating your emotions doesn’t mean making them disappear. It means learning how to stay with yourself while they’re happening.

You’re Still Allowed to Have a Bad Day

I think one of the problems with wellness culture is that we sometimes turn emotional regulation into another thing we have to be good at.

We’re supposed to be calm.

Self-aware.

Grounded.

Unbothered.

Responding instead of reacting.

Regulating our nervous systems before breakfast.

And suddenly we’re judging ourselves for feeling completely normal human emotions.

But emotional regulation isn’t about being happy all the time.

Sometimes you’re going to cry.

Sometimes you’re going to get angry.

Sometimes you’re going to overthink.

Sometimes you’ll respond badly and have to apologise.

Sometimes something genuinely difficult happens, and no amount of deep breathing is going to make it feel okay.

That’s life.

The goal isn’t to become someone who never gets emotionally overwhelmed.

It’s to become someone who can recognise what’s happening a little sooner.

Someone who knows when to take a break.

When to speak up.

When to eat something.

When to put the phone down.

When to let themselves feel sad.

And when to stop giving one frustrating moment control over the entire day.

I’m still learning all of this.

Some days I’m great at it.

Other days I have to remind myself that not every emotion requires an immediate action, an explanation or a three-hour investigation into why I’m feeling it.

Sometimes I can just feel something, let it pass and carry on with my life.

And I think there’s a lot of freedom in that.

Because the goal isn’t to feel less.

It’s to stop letting every feeling take the wheel.